I feel so lost. I don’t know how to get myself back. Over the past few years, i have changed so much. I have become person that I do not like. I don’t recognise myself anymore.
When I think back to the me that existed just 6 years ago; the me about to start university full of hope and dreams and aspirations – I don’t know where he has gone. I don’t know why, but something has changed. Somewhere along this road that we call life, I’ve lost the good version of myself.
Looking back, when I started university at the age of 18, I was a good person. I was kind. I put others’ needs before my own. I was happy. I laughed, I lived each day without thinking too much about the next, I loved the people who were around me.
Recently, I have been a bad person. I no longer put others’ needs before my own; i have become a very selfish individual. I no longer feel happy. I can’t remember the last time I laughed until my belly hurt. I spend everyday wondering about my future, and I have made choices that 18 year old me would never dream of making.
I know living with a mental illness can make a person very selfish, it can make it so that you only ever want to gratify yourself. With each day that passes, I seem to be living for the things that make me feel better, regardless of who that hurts along the way. It pains me to say that, it really does. Because I love my friends, family, partner more than anything in the world. I have the best, most supportive colleagues you could wish for. A management team who genuinely care about the welfare of their staff. I have the best support network around me; so why don’t I know where to go/ what to do next?
I have recently made the very hard decision to take some time away from work. This has been hard because work is one of very few things that brings genuine joy to my life. I love my job. I love going to work and feeling satisfied in knowing that I am making a difference. But I need some time away. I need to sort my head out. I am by no means blaming my work for the reasons why I feel like this; if anything – quite the opposite: work is the perfect escape for me. I just love it. But while my head is feeling like this, I can not give 100%. And that isn’t fair on the people who employ me.
I guess, what I am saying is this – I feel like my life has reached a crossroads. And I’m not really sure where to go next. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel lost. A little hopeless. Despite having so many loving, caring people around me, I feel lonely.
I just want “me” back.
Talking Heads 