I feel so lost. I don’t know how to get myself back. Over the past few years, i have changed so much. I have become person that I do not like. I don’t recognise myself anymore.

When I think back to the me that existed just 6 years ago; the me about to start university full of hope and dreams and aspirations – I don’t know where he has gone. I don’t know why, but something has changed. Somewhere along this road that we call life, I’ve lost the good version of myself.

Looking back, when I started university at the age of 18, I was a good person. I was kind. I put others’ needs before my own. I was happy. I laughed, I lived each day without thinking too much about the next, I loved the people who were around me.

Recently, I have been a bad person. I no longer put others’ needs before my own; i have become a very selfish individual. I no longer feel happy. I can’t remember the last time I laughed until my belly hurt. I spend everyday wondering about my future, and I have made choices that 18 year old me would never dream of making.

I know living with a mental illness can make a person very selfish, it can make it so that you only ever want to gratify yourself. With each day that passes, I seem to be living for the things that make me feel better, regardless of who that hurts along the way. It pains me to say that, it really does. Because I love my friends, family, partner more than anything in the world. I have the best, most supportive colleagues you could wish for. A management team who genuinely care about the welfare of their staff. I have the best support network around me; so why don’t I know where to go/ what to do next?

I have recently made the very hard decision to take some time away from work. This has been hard because work is one of very few things that brings genuine joy to my life. I love my job. I love going to work and feeling satisfied in knowing that I am making a difference. But I need some time away. I need to sort my head out. I am by no means blaming my work for the reasons why I feel like this; if anything – quite the opposite: work is the perfect escape for me. I just love it. But while my head is feeling like this, I can not give 100%. And that isn’t fair on the people who employ me.

I guess, what I am saying is this – I feel like my life has reached a crossroads. And I’m not really sure where to go next. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel lost. A little hopeless. Despite having so many loving, caring people around me, I feel lonely.

I just want “me” back.

Life’s gotten pretty shite over the past couple of weeks. It´s been hard to get my shit together. Living with a mental disorder is hardwork, of course it is – but it´s time to stop making excuses and get my head into a good place.

To do this, I have made some promises to myself.

1. I am not going to drink alcohol anymore. Like lots of people who experience high levels of panic and anxiety, I have often used alcohol in an attempt to suppress my worries. However, obviously this is not an effective coping mechanism. And until I can handle drinking alcohol socially, I cannot drink at all.

I have been really worried about committing to this, but last night I experienced my first night out without drinking and it really wasn’t so bad! You see the night from a very different perspective. I felt safer; in control. In addition, I didn´t experienence a hangover this morning, nor did I feel the wave of “oh-my-gosh-what-did-I-do-last-night” panic that I usually do. Result!

2. I am always going to remember that I have the most amazing support network around me. When you´re feeling bleak about yourself, it´s easy to become selfish and forget that there are lots of people cheering you on; who just want you to be okay.

My family have been amazing over the past few months. I know it hurts them to see me struggle through my darker days but they have never given up on me, and I am so thankful that they havent.

My friends have been my chief advocates. They have encouraged me, supported me and, most importantly – loved me. It must be hardwork to be my friend at times, but I am lucky to have some of the most loyal, trusting friends in the world. And they´re a right laugh which makes the shite days a little bit more brighter.

My partner is so supportive. There have been many times when I wouldn´t have blamed him for giving up on me. But we´re going to get through this together and grow even stronger.

The point I am making is this – it can be easy to forget and take for granted how much love and support there is around you. And to all of those people – thank you.

3. I am going to give myself a break.

This is not to excuse the things I´ve done, or dismiss them. It is simply to not beat myself up about things. To let things go. To forgive myself. I think this is important because when you´re not in a completely healthy mindset, you can do stupid things. In order to have a clean, fresh start, you need to be able to accept your flaws, but forgive yourself for them.

It´s time to start again.

L x

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a rat. It’s poison.

Everyone feels different levels of anxiety. It could be exam stress, work stress, or something more personal.

But everyone experiences anxiety at different levels. Some people are quite easy going and can dismiss their anxious tendencies with a ‘be rate’ comment. I am not one of those people.

They say that OCD and anxiety latch theirselves on to the most important thing going on in your life. It’s for that reason that I worry a lot about my boyfriend and my job. They are two of my most important things. Not the only two, nevertheless.

The thing is, I feel like I would perform better in both of these areas if I i didn’t worry as much as I do. If I didn’t panic if I didn’t feel the wave of anxiety covering me everyday.

I’m trying to dismiss my anxiety. I mean this in a very flippant way of course: everyone experiences anxiety from time to time. But I just want it to go away. I want to live without worrying.

So right now, Laid on this Benidorm Beach – I am worried about lots of things.

What if I have let my friends down?

What if I have let my boyfriend down?

What if I have let my mum down?

Did I switch the iron off before I left the flat?

How do I get through a holiday in Benidorm without drink?

Adding to the last question, what will happen if I don’t?

Will work be ok in September? I’m hoping they won’t know about my depressive episodes but the doctors have said that they might possibly find out. But work is my livelihood. Work keeps me sane. I absolutely love my job.

There’s a lot going off in this jumble-sale brain of mine. And I wish could pass some stuff on to someone. But unfortunately I can’t, I still worry worry worry.

I hope and I pray that I will get to a stage where I don’t worry about this stuff.

If anyone has any tips, please get in touch. There’s only so much sertraline and propanolol can do…,

L x

My readers will know that I’m currently on a quest for sobriety. Well last night, I let myself down. Whilst on holiday in Benidorm (not the best place to come to when trying not to drink) I had several glasses of Pinot Grigio. I was stressed I was anxious – I was sad.

They say it’s not really an excuse, don’t they? But I believe it is. I think if you’re loved ones are asking you to go T-Total, and you have a hiccup, it’s a sign. It’s a sign that you’re struggling.

Today I start again. No more drink. And I’m determined this time. But I’m not going to pretend – it’s hard. It is so very hard.

So, if anyone has any tips about how to keep sane during sobriety (especially if your with friends who like a drink) please do let me know.

L x

Growing up, I did not feel as though mental illness was portrayed particularly well in the media; if, it was talked about at all. As a youngster, the only affiliations with mental health I could relate to was when an Eastenders character was diagnosed with schizophrenia and celebrity-endsored versions of OCD which glorified neatly-stacked pantry cupboards and tidy living rooms.

Unsurpurprisingly, when I was first diagnosed with GAD and OCD as a teenager, I felt like an outcast; a freak. Of course, I do not believe these things about myself now, because I count myself lucky to have been an adolescent as we witnessed a revolution in mental health. Of course, we still have a long-way to go. But there are people who I believe have been pivotal in motioning the revolution in mental health. They are my heroes. Superheroes intact.

One of these heroes is Bryony Gordon.

In 2016, a doctor told me that there is a strong possibility that I sometimes suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When I first heard these words, I crumpled under the weight of them because I didn’t want to be defined by them. At the time, I didn’t really know much about the disorder, and I didn’t personally know of anyone who had ever suffered from it. If I’m honest, this felt a little bleak.

Then in 2017, my mum recommended that I read a book she had read on her holiday. It was called Mad Girl by a writer called Bryony Gordon. I remember pondering the book for a few days, not being a big reader myself, until – eventually, I picked it up and read. I read and I read and I read. Reader – I have never found a book more relatable.

As I read, I laughed, cried, smiled, and rejoiced. I rejoiced because it triggered a major realisation in my journey to accepting life with a mental illness. I rejoiced because it made me realise this – mental illness is absolutely normal. I remember reading Gordon’s anecdotes about spending her childhood convinced that she had contracted AIDs – and I felt normal. I read about the times she insisted that she and her siblings left their christmas stockings outside of the front door so as not to let a stranger (Father Christmas) into her house – and I felt normal.

After years of feeling like an outcast; this was a big turning point for me. It made me feel normal for the preceding months of my driving test, most of which I spent worrying that I had ran over a person in the road, rather than a speed bump. It made me feel normal for the time I took my iron to work in the boot of my car in case I accidentally burnt the flat down. It made me feel normal for all the occasions when a simple task of leaving the house has turned into a 30 minute quest, whereby doors and switches have to be checked at least six million times [sic]. I’m being flippant, of course – but the sentiment is there.

This book was so important to me, because it proved that life existed beyond mental illness. It proved that life does get better. It made me see, far from what I had imagined – it was completely possible to have a mental illness and a normal, fulfilled life.

Last year, I then discovered Gordon’s podcast series for the Telegraph, entitled “Mad World.” I was late to the party, unlike me – but discovered Gordon’s interviews with a variety of people from different walks of life, all talking about their experience of mental illness. Once again, I was overcome with empathy and took comfort in these brave people sharing their journeys with the world.

Bryony Gordon’s work has been important to me because it has encouraged me to speak more openly about the demons in my own head. It’s encouraged me to be more honest about my mental health and seek help when I need it the most – both from my loved ones and medical professionals.

So friends, if you need to share some in some empathy as you battle your own demons; if you need some light-hearted, upbeat literature about mental illness (as contrary as that reads) I would highly recommend Bryony Gordon’s work.

And if you have any mental health heroes who you would like to celebrate – please share.

L

The therapist’s waiting room is bold and loud; the walls are painted a garish yellow and the floors covered with dull industrial carpet. I sink into a warm, comfortable armchair and listen to the undertones of Liam Gallagher as Oasis plays from a muffled speaker on the wall. My leg is shaking. I am nervous. I have tried CBT before and it has not been a good experience. Who’s to say it’ll work this time? But I have to be positive, I have to keep an open mind. I will do anything to feel better.

My past experience has not been good simply because i didn’t like the therapist. To some, it might seem trivial to deny the help of a professional due to a personal disliking, but I think it is important to like your therapist. I think it’s essential actually because therapy is designed to delve into your deepest, sometimes darkest thoughts. It’s important that you feel you can trust them. I’m sure many people have benefitted from the workings of my previous therapist, but I didn’t take comfort in her sessions; I found her patronising and very often rude. As I poured out my most anxious thoughts in her office, she would often look at me as if to say “you’re bothering me with this when there are people out there with real problems? Man up!”

I’m digressing. Where was I? Oh yes, listening to Oasis in the waiting room of my therapist’s office waiting for my very first session. Her name is Lacey. That’s all I know. I don’t even know what she looks like, but she has already taken £45 for the forthcoming hour from my bank account so I hope she knows what she’s talking about.

The door opens. A tall, blonde lady walks across the waiting room, then towards me. Her face is friendly; warm. She smiles a genuine smile which actually makes me feel a little better. She welcomes me into her office; her voice is soft and gentle. I walk into her office and she follows. It is NOTHING like the waiting room. Her office is small, but pleasant. It has two couches, a chair and a table upon which sits a lily plant. A chrome light stand towers behind one of the couches, casting a golden gleam across the room. She offers me a seat. I am nervous, but comfortable. “Would you like a tea? Coffee?” she smiles. I soon settle.

My therapist welcomes me in a way that the old one never did. She listens to me with patience. She looks at me in a way that tells me she understands. Even if she doesn’t; I feel like she does. She nods, smiles and even makes me laugh at time. I feel peaceful.

I have decided to keep the details of my sessions to myself. I’ve decided this because the contents of my sessions are private; between my therapist and myself. It would break our bond for either of us to digress what goes on within her office. But I will share what I have learnt about myself today:

1. I am a perfectionist. One of the reasons why I worry so much in life is because I want everything to be perfect. In many respects, this is a good thing because it shows that I work hard. This is true in many aspects of my life: work, friendships, relationships. However, in someways, it is not healthy. I need to learn when to let go. When it is time to stop.
2. I am very self-critical. This is a big one because it means that, because I am a perfectionist, it is very difficult for me to settle for second best. I am my own worst enemy. You know how some people imagine the conscience as being an angel and a devil sat on each shoulder? Mine is more like having a tiny version of myself on each shoulder shouting “your a loser!” and “you’re worrying again you pathetic mess!”

So I have set myself a target. Every day I’m going to write one aspect of my personality that I like in my diary. Today’s self compliment: I make a mean chicken curry.

Why not try giving yourself a compliment, too?

L

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.